Do I really want Maggie Alderson to read my manuscript?

In the small-ish pile of books I have on my desk that I very occasionally (i.e. about every 15 minutes) flick through to get my mind into some sort of writing zen, I have two Maggie Alderson books*. Her books are smart and funny. And if you have ever tried to write anything that combines those two elements, you will know it’s actually bloody hard. Comedy writing is seriously undervalued in literary circles – book awards are often only open to those books that make people want to slit their wrists or die of boredom (well, common people like me anyway). If there were more awards for books that tap into the feel-good-factor, Maggie Alderson would be more highly decorated than Peter Cosgrove. And if I could write a book even half as good as any of hers I would be happier than a pig in a pile of Brisbane flood mud.

The other reason I love Maggie A is because when she recently made a guest appearance on the First Tuesday Book Club, she introduced me to 'Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, including Books, Street Fashion and Jewellery' by Leanne Shapton, which I think is just a brilliant book.

So when I logged on to the Authors for Queensland auction website, where authors from all over Australia have come together to put items up for auction to support the Premier’s Flood Appeal, and saw that Maggie A had put a manuscript assessment up for grabs, my eyes lit up as though I had stumbled on a $100 note lying in the street (remembering that I am now a poor, unemployed creative type - $100 would keep me supplied in vegemite cruskits for weeks).

So I eagerly entered all of my details, wrote in my bid amount, placed my cursor over the SUBMIT key, and promptly froze. Because I suddenly realised that if I won it, I would actually have to stump up three chapters/10,000 words of my book. And send it to an established author. And quite an excellent one at that. And then sit and wait for her assessment and feedback, hoping that it did not contain the words “don’t” and “bother” in any proximity to each other.

Frankly I would rather eat my shoe. One of my big cork platform ones.

You see, to me, Maggie Alderson reading my book is like Jamie Oliver turning up at the dinner table one night to taste test one of my recipes. Or Rafael Nadal coming to watch me play tennis. My face is going all red just from the embarrassment of even thinking about it.

But then annoyingly-sensible corporate girl gave overly-sensitive creative girl a massive kick in the arse and said “Are you more idiotic than Todd Woodbridge armed with a mobile phone? Do you think this kind of opportunity is going to fall out of thin air again anytime soon?!” So I quickly hit submit before self-deprecating creative girl started throwing a tantrum to get her own way.

I figure the worst that can happen is I hand over some cashola to a very worthwhile cause, then find out my writing is utter crap and I can have a four month holiday swanning around Europe drinking cocktails get some direction and guidance that might actually set me on a course towards producing something remotely worth reading.

Bidding closes on Monday. I am currently the highest bidder, although I know from my experience with EBay over the years that this means about as much as being in possession of a million Zimbabwean dollars.  Keep your fingers crossed for me kids, I will let you know how I go on my limited non-salary-earning budget. If I win, you will probably hear my scream – equal parts horror and delight – right across the other side of Brisbane.

*In case you are interested, the other books I have in my pile are:

·         One day – David Nicholls

·         The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society – Mary-Ann Shaffer

·         The Book Thief – Marcus Zuzak

·         Come Together – Josie Lloyd and Emlyn Rees

·         Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

·         The History of Love – Nicole Krauss

·         On Writing – Stephen King

·         Like I Give a Frock - Michi Girl

·         ZigZag Street – Nick Earls

·         Everyone Worth Knowing - Lauren Weisberger (so much better than Devil Wears Prada!)

·         Bridget Jones’ Diary – Helen Fielding

·         The Poisonwood Bible – Barbara Kingsolver

·         Watermelon – Marian Keyes

·         Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy (still reading, half way through!)